We’ve all seen it: poorly, and often hilariously, mistranslated text. Whether it be on a sign in an Indian airport warning you to not eat the carpet, or a bowl of ice cream label as “boob ice” (true story from my time in Japan). Usually, the real meanings can be inferred with context. But what happens when a piece of literature forgets to ask the native speaker? Well, we end up with the criminals on this list. Behold, offenders of penal code CAF-142: Mistranslations.
1. Bees?
Beowulf by Unknown, Seamus Heaney Beowolf = “Bee wolf”
In Old English, the name Beowolf translates to “bee wolf”. Besides conjuring up horrible flashbacks from the train wreck of a film Jupiter Ascending, the terms wolf and bee don’t seem to have much in common. However, as Listverse notes, the name likely refers to bears, which are essentially honey-loving wolves. Sure.
2. That time Jules Verne’s translator was a tiny bit anti-Semitic.
Off On A Comet by Jules Verne “…said Isaac Hakkabut.” = “…said the repulsive old Jew.”
When translator Adam Roberts decided to prepare an updated translation to the Jules Verne’s 1877 Off on a Comet, he realized something was, well, off. And by off we mean super racist.
In the original French Verne writes phrases such as “…said Isaac Hakkabut.” Now you’d think translating this is fairly straight forward. Nay. The translator decided to flex his (or her) writing muscles and provide a more colorful description. The translator changed the innocuous speaker tag to “…said the repulsive old Jew.” Yea..
3. Kafka’s vermin is in the eye of the beholder
The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka “Vermin” = vague creature unfit for sacrifice
Before Kafka’s death, he asked his dear friend Max to burn his work. Max, never one to pass up a chance to exploit his dying friend, decided to publish the novels anyway.
To make matters worse, much of Kafka’s work was butchered in translation from German to English. For example, the first line of Metamorphosis (which by the way means something different in German) might not have made it intact.
The English version of Metamorphosis starts with, “George Samsa found himself transformed in his bed into a monstrous vermin”. Immediately we think of something like a cockroach or beetle. But in the original text Kafka uses the term Ungeziefer instead of vermin. Ungeziefer literally refers to a “creature unfit for sacrifice” whose “repulsiveness is defined through the eyes of its human beholder.”
Kafka’s text is probably purposefully vague so the reader can project their own terrors on poor Samsa. Instead, we’re forced to picture a giant bug.
4. Joyce’s translators went clinically insane
Finnegans Wake by James Joyce Translating Joyce = eminent madness
When Dai Congrong began translating Joyce’s Finnegans Wake (by all accounts an illegible work even in English) into Chinese, she didn’t realize the toll it would take on her body. She refers to the process as “a kind of torture” and adds, “I looked older than I should be. My eyes became dark, and my skin wasn’t that good either.”
Polish translator Krzysztof Bartnicki didn’t fare much better. He considers translating Finnegans Wake a “loss of time and a cause of many domestic quarrels”. He also received death threats, because apparently there are people crazier than those who attempt to translate Joyce.
Last, but certainly not least is the Japanese translation. By some accounts, the first translator went missing. The second went mad.
Sadly we’ll never know if the suffering of these wordsmiths was worth it, since the novel is barely in English to begin with.
5. Muggles suck at translating
Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling Ron’s pet = “Scabies”
The Harry Potter series is rife with translation mishaps. Names, words, phrases, even whole passages that appear in the original English are somehow scrambled in the translation process. A sort of splinching of phrases if you will (if you don’t get the reference click the link. Or, you know, read the books).
Here are some of our favorites:
- A Russian translation turned Ron’s pet Scabbers into “Scabies”. As if Peter Pettigrew wasn’t creepy enough.
- Voldemort is The King. In a French translation, Tom Riddle’s middle name is “Elvis”. (Cue image of Ralph Fiennes gyrating.)
- The Latvian version translates Hermione’s last name to “Annoying”, and Malfoy’s last name to “Stinky”. I mean, they’re not wrong.
- We knew Germans loved their meat, but was it really necessary to change the song “800 Barrels of Mulled Mead” to “800 Barrels of Mulled Meat”?
- The Germans also made Snape explode when they changed “exploding snap” to “exploding Snape”. Didn’t they know he was (SPOILER ALERT) actually one of the good guys?
You can find more hilarious Harry Potter translations here.
6. Tolkien’s birds and rabbits
The Lord of the Rings (The Lord of the Rings, #1-3) by J.R.R. Tolkien “the Firstborn One roamed” = “the Firstborn One mooed”
Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings spawned many poor translations, which isn’t surprising given its sheer volume and its global popularity.
Our favorite is from Swedish translator Ake Ohlmarks, who translates “roamed” to “mooed”, as in, “the Firstborn One mooed while the children of Men still slept.”
Other mishaps include:
- “Beards” are mistranslated as “birds”
- The map of “Hobbiton” becomes “Rabbits”
7. Philip K. Dick’s translator was a corporate whore
Ubik by Philip K. Dick “I am the Word” = “I am the brand name”
Dick’s 1969 sci-fi classic Ubik features a substance/product/who-knows-what called Ubik, which we could spend days analyzing. What’s important is that a German version of the novel translates the description of Ubik from “I am the Word” to “I am the brand name”.
Why is this important? Because the book if rife with corporate espionage. So if you didn’t have a hard enough time keeping this book straight, add this “ubiquitous” translation to the mix.
8. Women are smart?
Enigma by Robert Harris “Keep mum – she’s not so dumb” = “Keep mother, she is not so stupid”
In his WWII thriller Enigma, author Robert Harris references a famous WWII poster that informed military personnel that although women are simple creatures who existence only to please and reproduce, they may in fact have a brain. Thus the slogan, “Keep mum – she’s not so dumb!”
While most of the world may have been surprised by the idea that women could be smart enough to be spies, some decided that keeping a woman like that around might be good. In a Danish version of Enigma, the popular poster was translated to “Keep Mother, she is not so stupid.”
9. How to flirt
Luring a Lady (The Stanislaskis, #2) by Nora Roberts “Man, get a load of those buns!” = “You man, fetch me a load of those beaver-boards!”
In Nora Roberts’s Luring a Lady, a character tastefully and eloquently comments on the beauty of the female derrière, saying, “Man, get a load of those buns!” Charming. The Hungarian translation takes the compliment(?) to another level when it changes the quote to, “You man, fetch me a load of those beaver-boards!” Unless the translator also had the women in question turn around and do a quick “beaver” flash, I doubt that’s the phrase they were going for.
10. Fucking sheep, man
The Shining by Stephen King “Red Rum” = “I fuck sheep”
It’s well known that Stephen King was less than thrilled with Kubrik’s film adaptation of The Shining. But did you know that there’s a written translation of The Shining that made Stephen King crack up?
According to a discussion on TVTropes, the Russian translation of “murder” is “ubiystvo”. Which is perfectly fine. The word means murder. But if you remember, the boy in the novel creepily repeats the phrase “Red Rum”, which is “murder” backwards. And what’s “ubiystvo” backwards? Apparently it sounds a lot like “I fuck sheep”. I don’t know about you but this would be equally concerning as if my son ran around screaming about murder.
11. Disney porn
Fifty Shades of Grey (Fifty Shades, #1) by E.L. James “…from Thomas Tallis to The Kings of Leon” = “…from Thomas Tall to The Lion King”
This translation “error” further substantiates my theory that Disney has their gloved little hands in everything. Including soft-core fan fiction.
In the Hungarian translation of E.L. James’s Fifty Shade of Grey, Christian Grey tells Anastasia that, “Eclectic is my taste, Anastasia, from Thomas Tall to the Lion King.” In the original text, Grey says he enjoys everything from “Thomas Tallis to the Kings of Leon.” The translation left a lot of Hungarian readers confused as to why the man would profess such love for a Disney movie. On the other hand, maybe it’s not so weird given the nature of the book. I mean, people are into all sorts of things. Though I still think Disney had something to do with it…
Do you know of any horrible literary translations? Let us know in the comments!